Onward, the Signs Say.

“There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.”
Most of us believe in something: fate, karma, God, juju, Allah, Buddha, or luck. I believe in a mixture of these, mostly fate and karma, with a sprinkle of a divine power. It’s something greater than me, greater than my dreams, and it has a hand in where I’m going. Ever the independent female, I refuse to believe that I have no control over my life — that this powerful something is directing me against my will. Instead, I believe that coupled with hard work, intuition, and confidence, this force will guide me to where I’m meant to be: towards actualization, towards ultimate happiness and self-satisfaction, towards the feeling of calm that washes over you and settles like a warm puppy at your feet.
I try to trust the direction I’m pointed in and not fight against the current, letting the analytical side of my brain make sense of the new path while my emotions overcompensate until an equilibrium is reached. The Great California Migration, as I’ve taken to calling it {for upheaval connotes the negative and journey is overplayed}, is one of the most emotionally intense situations to manifest in my life thus far. At the ripe age of 25, I expect nothing less, and I don’t pretend that this will be the most complicated that I encounter, either. What started with the spark of hope, a forty-five minute phone call that meant more to the young man on the other end of the line than anyone could have ever imagined, settled in my soul and began to multiply. This hope, watered with excitement and nourished with whispered “what ifs,” slowly grew. The more I thought of it, the more I shared. As I shared our growing secret, a strange combination of denial and passion set in, pushing me into my traditional patterns. Research coupled with calculations led way to the “I think we can make this happen,” which led to more research and spreadsheets, which ended with “We will make this work, no matter what.”
The decision is made, our compass reoriented. Then the denial begins to melt away, slowly, revealing the core underneath the excitement. Terror, fear unlike any other, anxiety…each new emotion burrows into my stomach until I feel ill. Previously, the unknown in our life has been greeted with a smile on face, grit in my soul, and grace about my body. But this…the unknown of all unknowns, is heralded by the quaking of my organs, the smoke from my overwrought brain, the uneasiness in my face.
Marriage? I was made for this. We’ll make it. There’s no reason we wouldn’t.
Medical crisis? Give me grace. So many have it worse, I will persevere. Unknowns? Oh well. We move on.
California? Yes. Yes a million times. It’s new, and exciting, and we’re starting over! Wait, what? It’s new, and expensive, and we’re starting over. Too late to rethink. Impossible to not go. Yes. No. We can’t NOT do this. I can’t do this. Can I do this?
And then the power reappears. The signs. Not the signs you look for and convince yourself are real, but the signs that creep out of nowhere, sneak up on you in the dark and reveal themselves in the most unlikely of places…those signs appear.
California! California! California!
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