Into the Light of the Dark Black Night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free


Tonight I’m grappling with emotions, some new and raw, others old acquaintances that have resided in my soul for years. A hollow empty feeling slowly fills with unwanted guests. Lack of purpose. Fear. Frustration. Anger. Denial. Sadness.

The last one is profound; one I’ve wrestled with for years but had trouble acknowledging. Sad. Depressed. Lonely. I am Sad. So simple, so profound, so hard to admit to feeling.

I’ve always pushed sadness aside, replacing it with smiling images from my future. Giddy college freshmen, traipsing up the dirty brown stairs…the third floor dorm that would be the answer to my sadness. Then the ring. A solid, circular promise of a happy future. And then the wedding: the ultimate in perfect images. Every detail of the wedding was designed to look flawless in pictures.

And it was. All of it was…but I was so consumed with burying the sadness under layers of perfection, refusing to feel the emotion that was ruining my pictures.

“In three months…”

“This time next year…”

“When we finally…”

None of it is real. None of it makes the pain disappear. None of it stops the ache that keeps me awake at night, the gnawing feeling that I am wasting my life in shallow pools of mediocrity and loneliness. And now, with the most important part of my life 2,200 miles away, the hollow within my heart becomes greater, more revealing of the truth: I will never be happy until I’ve made peace with my sadness.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

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One thought on “Into the Light of the Dark Black Night.

  1. Kristen K says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. 😦 I hope your move brings you tons of new experiences and new connections that bring you much happiness!

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